The knee-jerk reaction when our kids
misbehave is often to do exactly what we got as kids. The question is, do these
old-school discipline tools stand the test of time?
“Parenting can be trying and difficult at times, and
moms and dads find themselves behaving or considering behavior they would not
have resorted to in normal circumstances,” explains
Adelle Cadieux, Psy.D., a pediatric psychologist at Spectrum Health’s Helen
DeVos Children’s Hospital in Grand Rapids, MI.
Surprising findings on how
moms manage their emotions from a new survey by Parenting and
HLN’s Raising America show: A full 60% of moms admitting to totally freaking out
(yelling, throwing something, storming out of the room) on their kids a few
times. One in five moms said screaming at their kids was a regular
occurrence. And a whopping 78% of moms today say they’ve spanked their kids, or
at least given them a swat.
In this article:
- Spanking
- Losing privileges
- Time-outs
- Grounding
- Yelling
- Forcing an apology
- Put-downs
· Spanking
According to a BabyCenter poll, 85% of you were spanked as kids, and 67% of you do
the same to your own children. A typical comment: "I was spanked when I deserved it. I think it kept me in line, and
I spank my 2-year-old, too." Many parents say they only hit their
child for downright dangerous behavior, like when a toddler runs into the
street.
Some parents say a swat on the bottom is
an effective discipline tool when all else fails – others call it child abuse. "I remember what I was wearing, how
much she hit me, how I resisted, and the crying, pain, anger, and fear," writes
one mom. "I do not remember the
lesson or the deed."
A 2011
study in Child and Youth Services Review published an article indicating that
the percentage of parents who spank their child increased with age: 15% did so
at 12 months, 40% at 18 months, and 50% at 20 months, notes Dr. Cadieux. Corporal
punishment is never the way to go—yet we can’t seem to stop.
What the experts say...
Spanking is a
temporary solution that does more harm than good. It "works" because it's external control
over a child, but it doesn't promote internal decision-making. It simply
teaches children to behave – or else. Spanking causes many children to focus on
the punishment rather than on their poor decision.
Spanking mostly shows that when you're bigger than someone it's okay
to hit to show your anger or to hit to get your own way. The hurt, not
the learning opportunity, becomes the message.
Spanking also has side effects. It's embarrassing, and that causes children to get angry or think about retaliation. Children
who are frequently hit feel insecure. Many have poor self-esteem. Some
withdraw. Others become excitable, overactive, and aggressive.
There are 3 good alternatives:
1. Isolation (like a time-out)
2.
Deprivation (taking away a privilege)
3.
Reparation (where a child works to right a wrong before doing
anything else). The goal is to get your child to think twice before making the
same mistake.
How are we going to teach our children
it's not okay to hurt others when we keep hurting them? For 2- to 4-year-olds, lots of supervision along with distraction
and redirection are better tools. All the spanking in the world won't teach a child it isn't safe to run
into a busy street until he's developmentally ready to learn that lesson.
Some children will push and push until
they get a spanking and then settle down. They've been conditioned not to
settle down or cooperate until they're spanked.
Instead, try holding a disobedient child firmly on your lap. No matter how much she struggles,
don't let go until she calms down or agrees to cooperate.
Toddlerhood
is tough phase to be sure, but ironically, spanking
at these young ages increases the likelihood that a child will act out even
more. Research has found that younger
mothers and parents with increased stress are more likely to resort to physical
discipline, while children with more
behavioral problems are also more likely to be spanked.
“Spanking is a high-risk form of discipline, and
there are much safer and effective methods of teaching children to cooperate
and behave responsibly” notes Michael H. Popkin, Ph.D., founder of Active
Parenting Publishing.
“It's clear that if we want a less violent world then
one of the ways to achieve this is to raise children
without violence. Spanking, though a seemingly mild form of violence
to an adult, can be very traumatic to a young child. Think of the size
differential and imagine yourself spanked by someone 10 times your size.”
“There is a correlation between children who are shown
physical aggression (spanking, slapping) and depression, anxiety, and behavior
problems,” agrees Dr. Cadieux. “Children who are shown aggression, tend to exhibit aggression.” A
far better option: Help your children
understand the consequences of their actions through non-aggressive means such
as time out or restricting a favorite activity.
So the
next time you feel like you’re going to freak out, give yourself a time-out before
you scream or swat, Mom. Take a deep breath
and count to 10, or 20, or 100—whatever it takes. Your kids will thank you—and
you’ll be happier, too.
· Losing privileges
Taking away
something fun is a widely used tool for today's parents, many of whom picked up the habit from
their own parents. "When I was
naughty, my parents were quick to take away TV time or outings with
friends," says one mom, who now does the same with her own son. "He loses screen time, ice cream, or
sleepovers for repeated misbehavior. But I often think he just gets mad, and I
wonder if he really learns anything from the experience."
For today's parents, the idea of
redemption plays an important role. "I
almost always give my children the opportunity to earn back a privilege easily
and quickly if they acknowledge their error," says another mom of
three.
What the experts say...
Keep it. Revoking privileges is helpful when used sparingly. Choose a restriction that's easy to
enforce – like taking toys away or sending your child to bed early – so you
follow through. Pick a restriction that impacts the offender and no one else.
Don't punish yourself!
Keep it. Removing privileges is an appropriate consequence for repeated
offenses, so long as
it's something your child really cares about. Otherwise, it's fruitless. Make
sure to choose something you have control over – watching TV, playing video
games, or riding a bike.
Tell your child why you're taking
something away, and choose a punishment that fits the crime: If your child turns on the TV after you
tell him not to, unplug it for the night.
A common mistake is taking away privileges for too long. A week or two can feel like forever to
a child. And it can backfire: Kids can get angry and resentful, seek revenge,
and a cycle of retaliation begins.
Remember: You want to encourage your child to do better next time. The best way is with positive reinforcement: "Great job, you finished all your
chores. Now you can play outside until dinner."
Avoid choosing something where your
child's absence negatively affects others, such as soccer practice or a band
performance.
Punishment
just invites defiance, rebellion, or low self-esteem. If your child breaks something during a
tantrum, you could take TV away for a week. But that won't teach him anything.
Instead, find a way for him to replace or repair the item. That might mean earning the money
– even small children can do simple chores – or taking the money out of his
piggy bank or allowance.
Or perhaps he can sit with you and glue
the item back together. This and many other nonpunitive methods are respectful
and teach a child important life skills.
· Time-outs
Our parents may not have called it a
time-out, but make no mistake, they used it. Does "Go to your room"
ring a bell? The time-out continues to be a favorite for parents of
2-year-olds, 3- to 4-year-olds, kindergartners, and grade-schoolers. (Parents
of younger children may discover the technique doesn't work well yet.)
But not all time-outs are created equal.
Some readers report using gentler methods than their parents did. "I was
locked in my room fairly often and pounded on the door for attention. I didn't
find that particularly educational," says one mom.
Another says, "After a warning, my
son is put on the bottom step and is told why he's in time-out. The idea is for
him to think about the choice he made. When it's over, we discuss why he was
put in time-out and what he could do differently."
What the experts say...
Time-outs are effective if the child calms down, then thinks and talks about what
happened and what he could do differently from now on. The purpose of isolation
is not to ostracize or reject a child but to separate him from a problem
situation.
Time-outs are appropriate when a child is
immediately removed for misbehavior and asked to sit alone quietly to think
about her actions. It can be very effective at helping aggressive kids calm
down.
One caveat: Time-outs should be customized to the age and temperament of your child and the severity of the misbehavior. The simplest rule for kids 3 to 7: Time-out is one minute for each year of the child's age. Set a timer so
the child knows how long she's expected to remain.
To be effective, you must teach a
replacement behavior. After the time-out, ask your kid to draw or write what she did wrong –
or simply talk it out, asking her, "What
will you do next time?" Older kids can make a statement of intent – a
drawing, sentence, or a few lines explaining how they plan to change their
behavior.
Time-out is recommended when the purpose is
positive: To
give a child a chance to take a break for a short time and try again as soon as he feels better. This
cooling-off period allows a child to "do" better because it gives him
a chance to "feel" better. Since the term time-out has so many
negative associations, you might ask your child to rename it, something like cooling-off spot
or feel-good
place.
For very
young children, try taking a time-out together in a place that encourages calm
and quiet. It may
include cushions, a favorite stuffy, or a book to read.
· Grounding
The term grounding may make you think of teenagers forced to stay
home for breaking curfew. But this technique – really a form of losing
privileges – is also used by parents of young children, who say they learned it
from their own parents. "When my
3-year-old son talks back or is defiant, we'll sometimes say, 'We're not going
to the park if you keep acting this way,'" says one mom.
Another mom, who endured groundings
herself growing up, says, "When my
son was 6, he was grounded for throwing rocks over the school fence onto parked
cars. He didn't like it, I don't think I ever did either as a kid. But I never
repeated the offense, and, to my knowledge, neither has he."
What the experts say...
Like losing privileges, groundings work if the child misses
something he cares about – otherwise it's worthless. For grade-schooler groundings – which generally last
one day – require your child to stay home and miss everything other than
school, any commitment where her absence would let others down (such as a swim
meet or dance performance).
For a serious offense, many parents also
pull all home privileges, such as TV, video games, and computer time. It's a waste of time grounding a 2- or
3-year-old, as they really don't understand the connection.
Most parents choose a grounding period
that's too long. Extended periods can backfire, causing your child to
feel persecuted or picked on and starting a negative retaliation cycle. You want to keep hope
alive.
To give a child strong incentive to behave immediately, try this:
Your 6-year-old has been restricted for
six days. For each good day, a day of
restriction is dropped from the end. (Clearly define what good day
means: Do what you're asked to do. Speak in a pleasant tone. Be kind and polite
to your sister.) You may want to draw a chart or mark the duration on a
calendar so your child can cross off days and see his progress.
Keep in mind that you don't want a
grounding to make everyone else in the family miserable, and if the grounding
isn't realistically enforceable, it will be more difficult for you to follow
through consistently.
Grounding has no place in a positive
discipline approach to raising a child. Children don't have to suffer to learn. Grounding is a form of punishment where
adults do something to a child. Instead, think about ways to solve a discipline problem with
your child.
If your kids are constantly fighting,
instead of grounding them, you might, after a cooling-off period alone in
separate rooms, have them focus on ways to resolve the problem – taking turns, removing
the object in dispute, or putting the issue on the family-meeting agenda.
Unless safety is a concern, don't get involved or take sides, and have faith
they can work it out.
· Yelling
If you grew
up in a house of screamers, chances are you turn up the volume on your kids
too. And that describes most of us:
About 9 out of 10 parents reported yelling, shouting, or screaming at their
kids in a study by the Family Research Lab at the University of New Hampshire.
While no one is suggesting that the
occasional angry outburst is damaging for life, there's evidence to suggest
that constant
yelling is as emotionally harmful to children as physical abuse.
So why do we bellow instead of staying
mellow? We yell because we can, because we feel our children don't listen,
because we're angry and lack other tools to call on in the moment, says Devra Renner, coauthor of Mommy Guilt,
which calls yelling the number one guilt-inducer in moms of school-age
children.
"A
growing frustration is not being heard because our families are affixed to a
screen of some sort," says Renner.
"Parents are more inclined to yell
if they're trying to talk to a distracted, screen-gazing kid."
What the experts say...
If you resort to yelling on a regular
basis, you've created a cycle that's a trap. Your kids will wait for the
yelling to make sure you mean business. Yelling
actually reduces your influence by pushing you to more emotional intensity than
the situation warrants – say, trying to convince your child to pick up his
toys. It empowers your child: He knows
he can upset you by delaying. It's self-defeating.
Upping the
volume isn't the way to get what you want. Worse yet, the more frequent the yelling, the more
often it has to be used to do the job. Your kid builds up a tolerance for yelling,
so your pitch has to get louder, the frequency longer – and soon everyone is
yelling just to be heard.
A raised,
irritated, or angry voice sends the wrong message – loss of control. That's when kids are most likely to test
you, because they realize you're hooked and beginning to dance.
Instead, be relentless but not emotional. If you find yourself about to yell, take a break or have your partner step in. Backing off to cool off doesn't mean
you're giving up for good.
Your tone should convey that you're
firm, in control, respectful, and resolute. State your expectations in a
matter-of-fact way with your regular speaking voice.
Your actions will convey your message more
powerfully than words spoken loudly, so be prepared to take action immediately if your
child continues to misbehave. Instead of hollering "turn the TV off"
for the third time, simply switch it off yourself.
· Forcing an apology
You want your child to be polite, but
does a grudgingly muttered "sorry" really help? Or does it just serve
to shame and embarrass your child in public?
Still, who among us wasn't prodded into
apologies for sparring with siblings, insulting friends, and being just a
little too honest about that boring gift from Grandma? If you've spent any time
hanging out near a sandbox lately, you know that the forced apology is still
much mumbled on playgrounds nationwide.
What the experts say...
Forcing an
apology is like begging for a compliment. Both are worthless unless sincerely given. Sincere
apologies are important because at issue are two vital parts of discipline:
conscience and self-correction.
Apologies need to be modeled for a child
to learn to express genuine remorse. Parents who refuse to admit wrongdoing
encourage children to follow that example.
Try setting
this example with your child instead:
"I'm sorry for what I said and if it hurt
your feelings. My anger is no excuse. I won't say it again."
With a forced
apology, genuine sentiment is lacking and the lesson is lost. Plus, some kids may have a hard time
offering a true apology verbally. But they can write a note, do a drawing, or
make a small gift, all acceptable ways to handle a situation that requires an
apology.
A forced
apology isn't appropriate at any age. All a parent is doing is teaching a child to lie. If
a child isn't sorry but a parent forces him to apologize, that's just about
making a parent feel better – it has nothing to do with a child learning
empathy.
Instead, parents need to help a child make a connection before a correction. First ask, "What happened?" Then, "How do you think Sammy felt when you took his toy away?"
Once the child has had a chance to
consider the consequences of his actions and empathize with the other person,
follow up with, "What could you say
to make him feel better?" You want the idea to come from the child.
· Put-downs
If a parent finds herself resorting to
ridicule, guilt, shame, and humiliation, she likely picked up the habit from
her parents. "I find myself using
phrases like 'What's wrong with you?' and 'Why can't you act like other
children?'" says one mom who heard similar comments growing up. "I'm sure this does nothing for my
son's self-esteem – it just makes him angry and aggressive. I know that's how I
felt."
Name-calling, belittling, and insulting
("You're such a bad boy"), scapegoating and blaming ("If you
weren't so clumsy, the vase wouldn't have broken"), and sarcasm ("Now
that was clever," delivered in a mocking tone) only scare or scar a child.
These negative verbal interactions can
lead to emotional problems in the child such as poor self-esteem, lack of
self-control, impulsiveness, anger management issues, impatience, inability to
trust, anxiety, and depression.
What the experts say...
A national survey found that the average
parent makes 18 critical, negative comments to his child for every one positive
comment. As the old song goes, "You
have to accentuate the positive to eliminate the negative." Look for ways to nurture your child's best
qualities.
Parents who use put-downs, teasing,
ridicule, and criticism do enormous damage to a child's self-esteem. These
tactics are also self-defeating: Any corrective behavior is far outweighed by
the cost of compliance.
Parents who lash out verbally often
can't see the injury they're causing but only care about only the obedience
they're getting and the anger they're expressing. For punishment to work, it
needs to be rationally thought out, not emotionally driven.
Messages that shame, blame, criticize,
or humiliate go too far. They reject the child along with the misbehavior. If
you want your 5-year-old to stop poking her brother at the dinner table, a
clear message would be "Keep your
hands off your brother, please," or "Stop poking your brother." Not "Why do you have to be such a
pest?"
Sources:
AAP. 2015. Disciplining your child. American Academy
of Pediatrics. https://www.healthychildren.org.
[Accessed December 2015]
AAP. 2015. How to shape and manage your young child's
behavior. American Academy of Pediatrics. https://www.healthychildren.org. [Accessed December 2015]
AAP. 2015. Where we stand: Spanking. American Academy
of Pediatrics. https://www.healthychildren.org. [Accessed December 2015]
Straus, MA et al. 2003. Psychological aggression by
American parents: National data on prevalence, chronicity, and severity. Journal of
Marriage and Family 65 (November 2003): 795-808. http://pubpages.unh.edu. [Accessed December 2015]
Wang, MT et al. 2014. Longitudinal links between
fathers' and mothers' harsh verbal discipline and adolescents' conduct problems
and depressive symptoms. Child Development 85: 908–923.
doi: 10.1111/cdev.12143. http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com. [Accessed December 2015]
Via:
http://www.babycenter.com/0_spanking-grounding-and-yelling-does-old-fashioned-discipline_3657191.bc?showAll=true
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